Happy birthday to my sweet Carter Benjamin.
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I can see it on the horizon. Billowing. Gray. Slowly inching closer and casting its shadow on the landscape. Not ominous or threatening, but returning faithfully like a dark cloud every year for the last nine years.
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If you’ve been around church people for amount of time, you’ve likely heard the word grace tossed about like confetti. Grace is essential to faith—but have we learned to cheapen it? Have we confused it with being #blessed? What, exactly, is grace?
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When I stood in my white dress under a large oak tree and spoke my vows in front of our closest family and friends, I had no idea what our particular brand of “for better or for worse” would be. Not many of us do I suppose?
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I’d lobbed more than my fair share of questions and accusations at God, wondering why this natural thing that we wanted so badly was being kept from us. But that morning, all that emotion was crashing over me…
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The vacuum their absence created was hard to handle, adding more loss to my already complicated emotions. But if I could go back, if I could have helped my friends understand what it’s like to go home from the hospital without my baby, here’s what I wish I could have said.
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October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and each week, I’m featuring a story from a mama who has walked the road of loss and has generously agreed to share her story. Today we hear from my real-life friend Kayla Ruhl.
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For weeks after my son’s death, I walked around in a haze. The funeral, and all the decisions surrounding it, occurred in a blur of grief. Neighbors and church friends dropped off casseroles and baked pasta at our home. My body didn’t feel hungry, it felt tired and heavy, like I was dragging a load of bricks.
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October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, so for the entire month of October, I’m making space on my website for stories—stories from women who have lost and who have seen God poke through their grief.
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Together may we stand in the gaps for those who are hurting, who are raw and ravaged and in need of grace.
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The stories of others can help us glean faith when we’re lacking, understanding when we’re ignorant, and words to describe our experiences. Here are my top five book recommendations for anyone touched by child loss or looking for grace in hard places.
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Alone, we can know Him only in part, only see the world in black and white. […] The prismatic display of His glory can only be revealed when we come together, when we choose to love and to link arms during life’s passing storms.
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I let the question sink in. Probably a few seconds too long. My mind began to draw circles around that phrase: knowing all you know now.
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No one has ever asked me directly. But over the last eight years since my son died, I have often contemplated whether I—if given the opportunity—would erase the pain.
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For six weeks, I carried our son Carter in my belly, knowing that his days were numbered.
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Grace doesn’t always come in pretty packages. Sometimes, it comes as a gift of brokenness.
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Let grief come. Let it wash over us and remind us of our love and just how loved we are.
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