What Is in the Room
Last week, I told a story about three women in a bar. The tale was fictitious, but most of us have experienced similar situations in our real lives. We too have been an Ashley, a Tess, or a Jenna. We have come together with the desire to connect, but the reality falls short of our expectations. We walk away insecure and uncertain in our relationships because of what was left to simmer beneath the surface.
We’ve all been there.
But I have to admit that when one reader reached out and said, “I relate, but where do we go from here?” I did not have an easy answer. My natural know-it-all tendencies wanted to have a prescription at the ready, but my gut told me that quick answers would not account for the nuance. It would not address the complexity of personality, situation, and beliefs. Yet, her question got me thinking.
Connection is about much more than the words we use. When we gather, our bodies are constantly sending out and receiving messages. Dr. Curt Thompson says that 85 to 90 percent of our communication is not what we say at all:
“These nonverbal cues—eye contact, tone of voice, facial expression, body language, gestures, timing and intensity of responses—are the body’s portion of what it means to ‘be’ with others and ourselves—to communicate what we are experiencing. We send and we receive vital, live-giving exchanges to each other and this does not require conscious intention to do so.” [1]
But if our bodies are doing so much communicating, how do we still walk away feeling disconnected?
The breakdown seems to occur when what we say does not match our nonverbal communication. Instead of naming what is in the room—the things we sense and observe—we avoid it. We ignore what our bodies are saying, filling the gaps between us with words that only increases the dissonance.
In the story of Ashley, Tess, and Jenna, they chit-chatted around the surface of their lives. Ashley talked about her toddlers’ latest escapades, and Tess shared a few details about work. But all the while, all three women’s bodies were carrying larger burdens: exhaustion, a struggling marriage, job loss, and so on. Their surface-level conversation did not match the messages that their bodies were trying so desperately to communicate.
So I wonder: What might have been different if one of them had named what was unspoken in the room? What if after Jenna’s third drink in a short amount of time, Tess had not only lifted an eyebrow but also asked a question, “Hey…you don’t usually drink this much. Is everything okay?” Or what if Ashley had put words to her disappointment about the conversation that seemed so one-sided, to say, “I feel like I am the only one talking and that’s making me self-conscious. You’re both much quieter than normal. What’s going on?” If they had set aside their perceptions to talk about what was present, my guess is that their girls night would have gone much differently.
Connection requires a willingness to name what is in the room—to pay attention and wrap words around the unspoken gaps between what we say and what we sense. We must trust in the Spirit of God who is alive in and among his people as well as in the Creator God who wired our entire beings for communion with himself and with each other. [2] Living into our design and desire for connection requires that we lay aside assumption and take on a posture of humility, letting go of ego for the sake of love.
It might leave us vulnerable. Some people may not reciprocate. But by listening to and voicing the messages that our minds, bodies, and souls are telling us, we open a door to deeper connection. We offer ourselves and others a better chance of knowing and being known. We live a truer story.
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NOTES
[1] This excerpt was from a blog post from Dr. Curt Thompson called “A Body of Work,” written on April 15, 2020 on BeingKnown.com. For more on nonverbal communication and the stories we tell, I also suggest Episode 4: Story from the Being Known Podcast with Curt Thompson, M.D.
[2] For additional Bible reading about the Spirit of God and our image-bearing bodies, I recommend the following passages for starters: Genesis 1-2, Psalm 139, the book of Acts (many stories of people filled with the Spirit), 1 Corinthians 3:16-17, and 1 Corinthians 6:19-20.
feature image by Kevin Curtis via unsplash
