As a kid growing up in the Baptist church, grace was described to me as “a gift from God that I didn’t deserve.” While there’s nothing inherently wrong with this definition, little church girl Sarah—the one with the braided pigtails who grew up doing Bible drills and carrying an unhealthy amount of guilt—made some assumptions.

As I learned about grace, I automatically connected it to the beautifully packaged presents I received on birthdays and Christmas—these “shiny extras” that I didn’t need but I thought that God in His goodness had given me: A college scholarship. The coveted front desk job in my college residence hall. Graduating from college early. The first home my husband and I bought and then sold for a profit one year later.

I had equated grace to being #blessed. It’s like I pictured God in all His mightiness bending down from heaven, handing me a chocolate bar, patting me on the head, and saying, “Here you go, sweetie.”

But I was getting grace all wrong. Blessing is not the same as grace. Getting what I want or being the first in line isn’t grace. The gift might arrive through life’s blessings, but not always. Sometimes grace comes packaged in brokenness. It must hollow us out before making us whole. And by missing that second part, I had cheapened the gift.

Since my early church days, God has been kind in reshaping my understanding of grace. Through the work of His Spirit, reading, and some devastating life circumstances—including the death of my son, here’s what I’ve had to learn about grace.

1. Grace is a gift—but not always the gift we want.

So often, we anticipate grace arriving like Christmas morning—our heart’s desires presented in beautiful packaging. But then something “goes wrong.” The gift wasn’t what we were expecting. Instead of receiving an Apple Watch, we get underwear. Not even the cute kind! Just plain, everyday, cover-your-buns utilitarian panties. The gift seems mundane, unwanted even, so we cast it aside and wonder: What have I done to deserve this?

Here’s where we often get grace wrong: We assume that because grace is a gift that it’s a fluffy extra—a bonus of sorts. We assume it lifts our burdens rather than increases them. But sometimes, that’s simply not the case.

In his book Grace: More Than We Deserve, Greater Than We Imagine, Max Lucado said it this way:

God’s grace has a drenching about it. A wildness about it. A white- water, riptide, turn-you-upside-downness about it. Grace comes after you. It rewires you. From insecure to God secure. From regret- riddled to better-because-of-it. From afraid-to-die to ready-to-fly. Grace is the voice that calls us to change and then gives us the power to pull it off.

Grace isn’t the same as a blessing or a pat on the back. It’s not meant to make us feel better, but to transform us from the inside out.

2. God’s greatest gift is Himself.

We often think about grace in terms of the residual effects of a relationship with God—peace, joy, patience, and so on. But what we fail to realize is that there is no greater gift, no greater grace, than Jesus. Without His sacrifice, taking on the eternal weight of our sinful selves, a relationship with God would not even be possible. The invitation to be near God is the ultimate gift, and grace clears the way.

Maybe it will help to think of it this way: Jesus Himself went through suffering in order for us to come near. The hard stuff paved a path for the good stuff. The gospel stuff. So why wouldn’t God allow our suffering to bring us closer as well?

First Peter 5:9–11 says,

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

Life’s unwanted circumstances are not intended to divide us from God but rather draw us into His arms. And this pull toward God is grace. That God would even want us in His presence is a gift, and we must trust that just as He loves us enough to draw us near, He will not leave us alone in our suffering. God comes “close to the brokenhearted” (Ps. 34:18) and His presence becomes the gift.

3. Grace points us back to God.

Grace is always an undeserved gift, but really, the gift isn’t about us at all. Grace isn’t a Christian accessory we get to throw on or a trophy we display. Grace gives twice: First to us, and then back to God as a pristine display of His glory. Grace is the gift that beckons us to look back at the Giver.

In 2 Timothy 1:9, we read:

He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time.

Grace changes us. How could such love not transform our souls? But grace isn’t a gift meant to be hoarded, but rather returned. We were not created for our own glory, but His, and God loves us enough to do what it takes for us to see Him, know Him, and proclaim His goodness to the nations.

And that is the ultimate beauty and gift of grace.

feature image: Siora Photography via unsplash